Lord Klump- Shakin' that Shit up... a bit.

Fuck a man.
Its LORD KLUMP here, from another jurisDICKtion, AKA the U fuckin K. Hijackin lord round’s rubbish blog.

How To Cook A Curry that’ll have you gaspin’
RECIPE
1) Slam a jar of PATAK’S TIKKA MASSALA SAUCE into your trolley. And also some chicken.
2) In Tescos.
3) Get back and unPak your shopping.
4) Get a pan out and get ready to slam that shit into that pan.
5) Throw the sauce into that aforementioned pan.
6) Cook some chicken in that oven for a bit.
7) Slam the temperature on that hob up to the max and whack that chicken in there - masterchef style.
8) Leave it for about 10 minutes.
9) Eat it. Congratulations, you’re The new curry master
10) Get ready to punish that toilet: its great on the way in, not so great on the way out.

LORD KLUMP 2009

John Law's Carrot and Cut-You-Up Soup

Even when you're on trial for crimes against humanity, you gotta eat / sabotage Lord Round's Crappy Curry Blog.

This is John Law (coming to you from my cell at Scheveningen, the Hague), and my take on a traditional partisan soup. Ingredients vary, depending on what my main man Charles Taylor is able to smuggle past the guards.

Serves 2 (big portions mind)

Ingredients:

1 onion

1 full bulb mini garlic (or about 3-4 cloves of normal)

2 chillies (small, real spicy ones, or equivalent)

2 small potatoes

3 medium-sized carrot

Small can o' chick peas

2 chicken stock cubes

1 litre of water

Plenty o' thyme

If you like it, poach an egg in it

Don't forget seasoning. I'm not joking, and use good olive oil to get the shit going. You know.

Method:

1. Get the BRB to chop your onion, carrots, and the Irish carb (potatoes). Make sure he doesn't chop 'em too small, otherwise you'll have nothing to chew on, and this is no fag soup. Meanwhile, slice the garlic and the bad-ass chillies. Heat up the oil in the saucepan. And don't hold back on the oil. If this concerns you and you have health problems, try another recipe: 'John Law's Carrot'.

2. Throw in the onions — watching out for splash-back — and let 'em soften for a couple of minutes. Add the garlic and chillies, and cook for a further couple o' mins. Put in the chopped carrots and potatoes. Mix that shit up, getting everything nice and glossy and moist (yeh you read right), but don't let it get too hot yet. Unless you want it burnt like a cunt.

3. Presumably you already had the kettle on. If you're knackered from all that cutting up, have a cup of tea. Use the rest of the scolding hot water — 1 litre — to pour onto the unassuming stock. Stir it up, and put it [in] with the rest. Do your thyme, and shake things up with a bit of S'n'P- more P than S. Add the chick peas too, why the fuck not?

4. Turn the heat up to max, and broil the shit out of it. To make things quicker, here's how to thicken it a bit: Get yourself a heaped tablespoon of flour, and mix it with a bit of water, until you have a gloopy, sticky, resilient viscosity to your white mixture. Not too thick mind. Then mix it in with the shit. Simmer until you're into it.

5. If you like it, poach an egg in it. It is recommended not to actually poach an egg in it, rather to poach an egg on the hob next to your JLCACYUS. If you're not familiar with standard vortex and white wine vinegar method, nor with the cling film method, fuck it.

6. Serve with crusty bread or your ex-lover's head.

Oh Yeah! Fuck the Man!

A Big Ricey Bastard Production: How to cook Rice

Guess who’s back – it’s the BRB here, representing. To cook perfect rice, one must have to hand:

1) Rice

2) Water

3) A pot large enough to CONTAIN your rice

4) A hob sturdy enough to CONTAIN your pot

5) A lab

6) A pen

7) A pad

8) This damn label off

Method (or ‘Recipe’)

1) Pour the rice into the pot. Do this fastidiously. Quantity is unimportant.

2) Submerge the rice in cold water.

3) Ensure your hands have not been washed in the last three hours.

4) Use your fingers to swill the rice around the pot. This will release a translucent, creamy-white substance from the rice. This I have named ‘ricey shit’.

5) Repeat steps 1) to 5).

6) Take from your pocket one of the ten lighters stored there. Use it to light the hob.

7) Place the pot on the hob.

8) Wait patiently.

9) When the time is right, extinguish the flame on the hob.

10) Because you like it, step 10) requires you to put a lid on it. Leave the lid on for a certain length of time. This process is called ‘steam-packeting’.

11) Remove the lid.

12) Drain the rice using a colander. Do not use a sieve. I don’t use a sieve – and I’m the BRB: guess who’s back

13) Serve with a side-dish of curry or egg-fried.

Stay tuned for the BRBs next blog entitled ‘How to Use a Microwave to Cook an Egg’.

Oh Yeah! Fuck The Man!

Ok, Lord Round is back, and is proud to present....

The Louisiana Bad Boy.

After the unauthorised and mostly knob based recipe from some anonymous nut munching slob, which from here on in I will not mention, I felt it was time to bring out the big guns. Not only is food a big part of my day, but so is this blog, and that torpid sloth, that idle slack jaw, thinks he can just walk in and smear pindakaas all over MY blog. I haven’t taken this to heart. I shall express myself in your gob, not with mine. Prepare yourselves...then prepare this.

Ingredients

1 les Onion
3 garlic cloves
3 RED chillis (the bad boy bit)
1 Large celery stick
Pack of lardons
1 foot long chorizo
Oil
Bay leaf
Bit o parsley
1 tbsp dried thyme
Can of kidney beans
Half Chicken stock cube
S and P
Rice

Do this...
1. Hack up your onion, garlic, celery, chilli, sausage.
2. Whilst your doing this, brown the lardons. Slam in your...slam that comatose oaf...slam in your chopped shit and bay leaf and do till nice and slippery. TASTE.

3. Add your herbs and S+P. TASTE.
4. Rinse and add your kidney beans.

5. Add 2/3 pint stock. Simmer till proper job. Serve with rice

Oh yeah, smash a rocket out my arse, that’s beautiful.
LR

A Guerilla Recipe

Oh yeah! Fuck the man!

I'm taking over Lord Round's crappy curry blog.

For 1 hungry guerilla

Ingredients:
1 banana
4 slices of bread (American style toast bread works best, baguettes strictly prohibited)
1 knob of crappy margarine
1 massive tub of pindakaas otherwise known as peanut cheese

Recipe:

Tear up the banana into big chunks with your hands.
slam the marge on the bread.
slam the pindakaas on and shake it up a bit.
slam on the banana.
oh yeah. that kicks ass.

Oi Oi, it’s Lord Round here, this be my Gastro Blog. When I’m not bashin’ skins, or helping save Philipinos from the MAN, I’m knocking up a bad boy dish to stick in my face. If sticking bad boy dishes in your face is your bag, then maybe there is something here for you.

LR

Flying Vindaloo for 4

A killer pot of grub to start off. This’ll knock your headphones off, but you shouldn’t have them on at the table anyway, ‘cus that’s fuckin’ rude. And don’t cook with them in the kitchen ‘cus you’ll melt the wire on the hob you melon.

Ingredients

450g Potatoes large dice

60ml Cooking oil

1-2 onions, chopped

6+ little chillies (depending on how bad ass you are (are willing to feel tmrw))

3tsp tom puree

2tsp turmeric powder

2tsp chilli powder

Half tsp garlic powder (optional)

4 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped

2.5 cm block of ginger chopped all little

2 tsp salt

2 tsp garam masala

450g diced MEAT

450ml water

Fresh coriander + yogurt for your gob’s benefit

1. Get a big pan and heat your oil nice and hot. Do your onion, chilli, and ginger, stirring frequently. Chuck in your garlic just before the onion is golden brown, but don’t let it burn you numpty. Serious.
2. Once your onions are looking nice, add the tommy puree, turmeric, chilli powder, garlic powder, salt, garam masala and MEAT. Mix it up good and lower the heat and simmer for a few minutes. Stirring occasionally.
3. Add the water and simmer for 5 minutes.
4. Chuck in your spuds and simmer till they’re done.
5. Serve with rice, yogurt, booze, and Get it Hot by ACDC