A Big Ricey Bastard Production: How to cook Rice

Guess who’s back – it’s the BRB here, representing. To cook perfect rice, one must have to hand:

1) Rice

2) Water

3) A pot large enough to CONTAIN your rice

4) A hob sturdy enough to CONTAIN your pot

5) A lab

6) A pen

7) A pad

8) This damn label off

Method (or ‘Recipe’)

1) Pour the rice into the pot. Do this fastidiously. Quantity is unimportant.

2) Submerge the rice in cold water.

3) Ensure your hands have not been washed in the last three hours.

4) Use your fingers to swill the rice around the pot. This will release a translucent, creamy-white substance from the rice. This I have named ‘ricey shit’.

5) Repeat steps 1) to 5).

6) Take from your pocket one of the ten lighters stored there. Use it to light the hob.

7) Place the pot on the hob.

8) Wait patiently.

9) When the time is right, extinguish the flame on the hob.

10) Because you like it, step 10) requires you to put a lid on it. Leave the lid on for a certain length of time. This process is called ‘steam-packeting’.

11) Remove the lid.

12) Drain the rice using a colander. Do not use a sieve. I don’t use a sieve – and I’m the BRB: guess who’s back

13) Serve with a side-dish of curry or egg-fried.

Stay tuned for the BRBs next blog entitled ‘How to Use a Microwave to Cook an Egg’.

Oh Yeah! Fuck The Man!